Hot Flashes - @ the Speed of Light

By Sue Langenberg

We are in such a hurry these days that we’ll probably show up to our own funerals several years ahead of time.

Me in a 90 M.P.H. casket:  “Where is everyone?”

Mortuary guy in black tie:  “They’re not here yet, you are ahead of schedule.”

Me:  “But the cable guy promised that my whole life would fast-forward my lifespan to arrive here sooner.”

Mortuary guy:  “And your point is?”

There is no point, in fact.  Faster, faster, ASAP, “I need it yesterday!”

So we are all turning into nervous Nellie’s, and no one seems to remember why.  If my computer gets faster and faster, does that mean that my spam will arrive sooner?  Or, that my emails will be sent before I am finished typing in the recipient?  Sometimes, I can see the email addressee shaking, like an Olympic runner at the starting line ready to sprint across the country before I have even considered the subject.

The workplace has clearly forgotten what everyone is in a hurry for.  The word “efficient” has been woefully confused with motion.  That is, the faster a worker jiggles and clacks him or herself to death, the better it looks.  As long as everyone is vibrating, the world spins better for global competition.

The problem about constant motion, is that it usually means that nothing is being accomplished.  It is more often than not, a treadmill to nowhere.  I once had everything under control around me working smoothly, producing product at a steady pace.  A manager stepped in to observe that I was calm and still.  He wondered why I “wasn’t doing anything.”

The lesson learned is to always appear stressed, jiggling and busying about doing nothing.  The visual is more important.  So a worker dare not pause to yawn while waiting at the copy machine in New Jersey because a manager doing surveillance in Idaho will wonder why he or she “isn’t doing anything.”

My answer to all this looking busy stuff is, as usual, a creative rebellion.  Rather than go with the flow of ridiculousness, I take it to a new level.   I would rather create a Velocity Dance, a tap step that promises to Shuffle Off to Buffalo at breakneck speed. The arms would flail hopelessly into a blur, the feet would flap in all directions and the body would shake shamelessly to the music of “Turkey in the Raw.”  That should satisfy managers looking for “efficiency” and “motion.”

And so, our younger generation falls right into breakneck speed about everything.  My son once wanted a flashy speed boat with a bigger and faster engine to make bigger and faster waves.  Why?  I wondered.  I deadpanned that I was never in a hurry on the water.  It’s rather like a car that speeds in a harrumph to get around you on the highway, only to arrive at the next stoplight sooner.

Along with a faster life becomes a larger degree of impatience.  The elevator takes two seconds longer to arrive, and the whole day is ruined.  Or that a lady declared fluorescent light bulbs no good because they came on a half second slower.  “When I want light, I want it now,” she claimed.

If we don’t just slow down and listen to the clock tick at its own speed, we’ll spin ourselves into a nervous whirligig.  I would heed my own advice but can’t right now because I am in a hurry to get this column in on time.  Then, I’ll be in a hurry to warm up the next cup of coffee, then in a hurry to…’

Can you relate? If you would like to comment on Hot Flashes, Sue can be reached via E-mail at thewritehag@yahoo.com, or pa@pacc-news.com.

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